EMPath’s Resident Domestic Violence Expert Weighs In
Mar 26, 2021
A conversation with EMPath mentor Nancy Steverman
EMPath’s resident domestic violence expert, Nancy Steverman has been at the organization for over 30 years. She started as a volunteer in the playroom at Horizons, and in 1991 she got a job as Horizons’ House Manager. At the time, Horizons was a transitional housing program for women fleeing domestic violence.
Today, Nancy is Program Coordinator at Horizons – now an emergency shelter for families experiencing homelessness – as well as Abbot House. Nancy spoke about her experience working with survivors of domestic violence and her passion for the subject.
Content Warning: This piece contains discussion of domestic and sexual violence and abuse.
What type of program did Horizons used to be?
Before Horizons was a homeless shelter, it was an 18-month transitional living program for women fleeing domestic violence who were coming out of domestic violence shelters. It was the first transitional domestic violence housing program in Boston. It housed eight families, and it was funded by the Department of Children and Families (DCF). Its location was kept confidential.
Families paid 30% of their income and it was put into a savings account. When they left the program, they would have savings for moving into their house. It was to help them get used to the idea of paying rent each month.
What was your job back then?
I started as the House Manager. I was like the icebreaker when families first got to Horizons – I fixed their room up nice, greeted them when they came in, showed them around, and made sure they had everything they needed. I always fixed up the children’s beds with a teddy bear, which meant so much to them. I remember this one little boy who was like, “Oh mommy, we have a refrigerator, we’re gonna have heat tonight, and we have our own room and I have my own bed!”
Then I became a Case Manager. This was before Mobility Mentoring®. I would work with the children and with the mom, seeing where she was at and if she was ready for the next step. I helped her get a restraining order if she wanted to, make a safety plan, or get rid of joint bank accounts and cell phone numbers. A lot of families didn’t have any income because the abuser was controlling them or they were undocumented. We would work on getting them income and child care. I would do referrals to connect women with other local organizations. We offered groups and workshops too – about restraining orders, safety planning, self-care, art therapy. I became very connected with the families.
What was it like working with the families?
I had to build trust with them and make them feel welcome. In domestic violence, there’s so much fear and distrust. I reassured them they were in a safe place. I would always check in the day after their first night: “How can I make you feel secure?”
Someone who was training me once told me that doing domestic violence work, at some point you start feeling like you’re seeing the same thing over and over. But she told me to really listen, because in each story there’s something different. I always remember that. The healing process takes a long time. And the thing is, physical abuse can heal, but verbal abuse stays there. But once you build trust in a relationship, the growth starts. I’m very passionate about DV work; I loved it.
What did you love about it?
I loved seeing the families’ growth. At the beginning, they were shy and afraid. But within just a couple months, I saw the mother start putting her head up, her confidence coming back. I’m getting chills talking about it. I saw the child feeling secure to leaving Mom’s side, the mom able to leave the child in the playroom for a minute, whereas before the child and mom were inseparable. The more I saw that, the more passionate I became.
I still talk to a lot of those families today – there’s about 15 who still keep in touch. One person calls me and thanks me for helping her mother. They all stayed out of their domestic violence situations, and most of them are in new, stronger relationships.
Obviously in an ideal world, there would be no domestic violence. But short of that, what would an ideal situation look like to you when someone reports an abusive situation?
I wish there was a button or something you could push that would indicate you’re in a domestic violence situation and they would respond immediately. The way it works now, you call 9-1-1 and you have to answer questions – “What’s your emergency? Where are you?” That takes time. I wish you didn’t have to explain yourself. Because the explaining is time and time is death. It would save so many lives.
What can we as a state or society do better in dealing with domestic violence?
There needs to be more awareness of domestic violence in different places – hospitals, courts, schools – instead of just calling DCF and frightening the mom that her child’s going to get taken away. There should be a DV worker in every court, because people have to face their abusers there. There should be workers in emergency rooms too. There needs to be more access to resources in public spaces too – at the doctor’s office, on the bus, places where someone who has had everything taken away can still see it. Because in a severe domestic violence case, the abuser keeps the phone, the computer.
There also needs to be funding for more domestic violence programs. Especially now with COVID, so many people are suffering from domestic violence. It used to be that there would be some relief – the abuser would leave and you’d have a break. But now it’s constant. The scarring is going to be so much deeper and harder to heal. I think when the pandemic is over, we are going to have so much work.
What is one thing you want people to know about domestic violence?
That there’s help out there. You just need to reach out and keep going. Because there is light at the end of the tunnel. You might not see it now, but it is there.